Da Enuma Elish

(Uhn Naa Oozheh)

So dis is what happened.

At first, you know what was goin' on? Nuttin.

Den da waters, sweet and salty, if ya know what I mean, started precipitatin' silt together.

Aftah dat, a bunch more guys got involved, yadda, yadda, but da king pins turned out to be da father and mother, Apsu and Tiamat, their kids, Mummu and Anu, their grandkid Ea, son of Anu, and his son Marduk.

So dis is when it all happn'd. Da kids was makin' da worst racket you could immagine. I mean, makin' earthquakes kinda racket. Apsu said, "Hey! Keep it down fah gods' sakes! Hey! I'm talkin ta you!"

But of course dey didn't listen, so gramps got pretty cranky.

He went complaining to his wife, but she just said, "Come on, ya cranky old &^*$#*# &#%*& 3^#^*@#* 25z7@2. They're a bunch of kids, whadya expect?"

Dat's not exactly what he would have liked to have heard. But he knew Mummu would listen. Big mistake.

Ya see, dis guy Mummu is always wreaking some sort of havoc or other. Not da kinda guy to take advice from, in my humble opinion.

Gramps went up to him and said, "Mummu, friend. Deez kids is makin' a god-awful racket. What should we do?"

Mummu said, "Whack 'em! Sheesh! Dat'll give ya some peace and quiet."

Dis Apsu wasn't da nicest fellow in da first place, so he got quite a bit of pleasure thinking about rubbing out his kin. A little messed up in da head I think.

So anyway, da kids all found out dat there was a price out on their heads, and it confused da hell outa them.

Ea, dis guyz a smart guy, he came up with a plan.

Long story short, Apsu ended up with some cement shoes at da bottom of da river.

Ea gladly took over his father's position as Boss. He decided it'd be nice to set up a family right above his father's watery grave. How loving a father.

He and his wife, Damkina, had their kid, who turned out to be da most stunning little stud you ever did see. He'd always be strutting around da place like he owned it.

As he was growing up, though, it was clear he was no ordinary kid. He always knew everything. You couldn't slip anything past him. You'd think he wasn't listening, but he was. He ALWAYS was.

His parents were so proud. He was all dey ever talked about. On top of dat, dey took it upon demselves to spend a great deal of Gramps' money. Dees two tings and a few others got on da nerves of da other family members.

They said, "Grandma! Dis is no good! None of dis is any good! You gotta do something! You didn't lift a finger when they whacked your husband. You gotta do something now!"

Then they brought up da money issue. She turned right around and said, "Can't argue with that. They're going down. Don't worry, I'll take care of everything."

She had quite a few connections back in those days, but I never knew she could do anything like what she pulled off. She summoned no less than eleven of da most monstrous, scum-sucking lawyers around. They were monsters! Monsters! Serpents! Worms! Mad dogs! Huh. Lawyers.

Anyway, Ea thought he could persuade her to drop da case, but when he went and saw dat slew o' slime, he ran back, tail tucked 'tween his legs.

Anu was next down da list, but he said, "Nuh, uh! No way! There's no way I could beat dat!"

It was decided dat da only one with da guts enough to tackle her was Marduk.

Dey asked him to come into da room and proposed da proposition.

Dis kid was not dumb. He said, "Yeah, sure, but if I win, I want everything. Da money, da biz, all da works. Kapish?"

Everybody knew dat dis was da only way dat da Tiamat problem could be solved, so it didn't matter, as long as there still was a "biz".

They celebrated. They feasted. They drank. "...jolly good fellow..." Da works.

Da day came and they gave him da sharpest looking suit they could find. That and da "Tables of Fate". Somebody had dug up a bunch of dirt on all da lawers and entrusted Marduk with it.

Before going into da courtroom, he gave a speech of encouragement to everybody. It was a beautiful thing. Tiamat didn't know what was going to hit her.

In they all walked, prepared for battle. What a sight he was. He stared all eleven of those blood sucking demons down to da floor!

Now, you can imagine how angry dis made Tiamat. She drew herself up in that way that she does, called them all cowards, and just before she started, Marduk went and said something so drastic that even she was speechless. Dis gave him da opportunity nullify anything she could have said against him before she could even start!

She didn't take too kindly to that, however. She proceeded to duke it out with Marduk like nothing ever before seen in a courtroom.

It was enough to make those lawyers flee for their lives! Of course, there were some guys out back waiting for 'em. Something involving chains.

Anyway, inside, Marduk TORE TIAMAT APART! He had some sneaky, back-stabbing mud to sling at her. He did enough damage to stop her from ever setting foot again in a courtroom. She was demolished!

Dis kid was a hero. A true hero. He took over da family business, set it straight. Everything was in order. He was so good that he got minions to do everything for him and placed the family in high positions. It was a true legacy. And da true gentleman that he was, he even made a shrine so that everyone would always remember Tiamat's humiliation. Heh. What a kid. Everybody was so proud of him that they each gave him a separate nickname. And da legacy goes on!